3/17/14

100%

If I have learned one thing from blogging, it is never to post about the frailty of excuses. At least, not if you think you'll ever miss a posting day.

Ahem.

It was Spring Break.

Honestly, I've been a bit at a loss as to what to post. I'm practically never writing any more. On occasion, I reach day's end and realize I haven't daydreamed at all. {Daydreaming is very important to writing books.}

The reason?

I came to a decision early this semester: no more whining and complaining about how unhappy I am and how college has jerked away my writing life. I really wasn't sure how I would function if I wasn't needing to write. How could I give up that drive, the words spiraling through my fingertips? Writing is a rush. Voluntarily setting it aside sounded like torture.

But there's this verse in the Bible about doing whatever it is you're doing with your whole heart. And I wasn't. I was trudging through school and school activities while wishing I could be at home at my desk with my laptop. {You really don't want to know how many tears were shed asking God whywhywhywhy.} Everything I did, I did halfheartedly. I dedicated myself to my classes, because I don't know any other way to treat academics, but I wasn't happy about it. I wasn't passionate about physics.

And so early this semester, I vowed to be 100% where I was. I was terrified. Terrified of losing the words and the stories. Terrified even of losing my homesickness, my passionate belonging in my house with my family. Terrified of losing my identity. But I did it anyway. I promised to be "all in."

Yeah, things are different now. I'm okay with spending a lot of weekends in Austin. I'm okay if I haven't written in a couple weeks. I'm okay. Surprise.

Am I the same? No. Do I know what to make of that? No.

Am I okay with that? Yes. Life is not a stagnant thing. It ebbs. It flows.

Have I given up writing forever? ABSOLUTELY NOT. I still say that with absolute certainty. In fact, some things have happened recently that make me think writing will be a thing for Melody in the near future.

Am I happier? Yes. I've known for four semesters that I was where I was supposed to be. Now I've chosen to be all there, and it's a most freeing experience. {And yes, it took me that long. God is so patient.} To be where you are meant to be, to be 100% where you are meant to be...there are few greater adventures.

1 comment:

tracikrites said...

There was a time when I had to set writing aside as well. I won't say you won't miss it or cry about it, but it will get better and then when the day comes that you're able to pick it up again, it'll be there like an old friend. Good luck!!